It wouldn't be long now until her father would come and fetch her to walk her down the aisle. There had been people fussing around her all day until finally, exasperated by the attention, she'd asked for half an hour of privacy to gather her thoughts. Now here she sat alone, as requested, and was rapidly realising that asking to be alone had been a huge mistake, because the second she was alone she had begun to think of him. No, not the him she should have been thinking of, not her very soon to be husband....the other him, the love of her life. Alex pulled the note from her purse and read it again for the thousandth time, trying to find something in his words that should prevent her from what she was about to do, and again she was disappointed.
Ali,
I am so very sorry about last night. Please believe me when I say that what happened was never my intent when I came here. But having said that when you asked last night what I wanted, I meant what I said - I wish last night could have lasted forever, it was one of the best nights of my life, second only to that magical night on the beach. But I know I can never give you what you need. I honestly hope he can. Please...be happy baby!
You will always have a piece of my heart.
J
She was sitting at the dressing table in the bride's room at the quaint little chapel Rick had chosen for their nuptials. He had been so very good to her, organizing everything while she had continued to work – first with Bruce and then on a series of exposés for Rolling Stone. All she had really had to do was find her dress and turn up ready on the day. Well she was wearing the dress and she was there, but was she ready?
Considering the reflection in the mirror she wondered how it had come to this. Marrying one man – a good, kind, wonderful, loving man, a man that she did love – but in love with another. She folded the tattered piece of hotel stationery and placed it securely in her purse.
Picking up the lip pencil she lined her lips then filled them in with blood red lipstick – it matched her nails – not exactly traditional for a bride but very effective against her pale skin and the ivory gown. Her hair was a mass of dark glossy curls, half of which had been expertly and artistically piled atop her head by one of New York's foremost celebrity stylists – her good friend Serge – and sat behind a dazzling diamond and pearl tiara, a generous gift from Bruce and Patti.
Was it really only three days ago that she had been lying blissfully in his arms? It seemed so much longer. That night as she drifted off to sleep curled into him, she had decided that she would call off the wedding; it was the right thing to do. But then when she woke, he was gone and in his place was that note. That was it! No goodbyes. No "I love you's." No "Please don't do it's", just a short pitiful "sorry".
The days following had been torturous as she teetered back and forth about what was right - to marry Rick or not. Until she had seen Jon again, she had been confident that it was the right thing to do, but now she wasn't so sure. Rick had always known of her feelings for another man, she had been honest about that much from the start - though she had never divulged his identity - but he claimed that didn't matter, that she had chosen him to spend her life with and that was good enough. Alex wondered what she had done in life to deserve this wonderful man. It was the obligation of this knowledge - in the absence of a sign from Jon - that brought her here today.
After their night together, and on finding Jon's note, Alex had made a deal with herself, if...and only if, he gave her some kind of sign that he wanted her - any kind of sign would do - she would call off the wedding... but that sign hadn't come. So here she was, just minutes away from marriage, absolutely terrified that she was doing the wrong thing, but couldn't see that she had any other option – it would be cruel to back out now. She loved Rick – she would do her very best to make him happy. He deserved that.
A sharp tap on the door startled her. "Yes," she called out.
The door opened a crack and her mother poked her head in.
"Honey, the photographer wants to photograph you before the boys get here, he asked for you out front in the garden." Her mother informed her tentatively.
She could see the uncertainty on her daughters face reflected in the mirror and could guess at the cause. She knew Alex had never really gotten over the rock star. It was never discussed again after he had left that day all those years before, but every now and again, a song of theirs would come on the radio, or they would pass a magazine rack and he would be smiling from a front cover, and Sophia would see Alex flinch as an unknown memory assaulted her. She had never quite understood how her daughter had remained a fan in spite of it all – it seemed...masochistic to her. She also wondered how she had managed to keep it from Rick all this time.
"Sure Mum." Alex stood and walked towards the door.
"Oh honey...don't forget your flowers." Sophia said as she scooped the bouquet off the bench.
"Thanks Mum" Alex smiled at her mother but it didn't quite touch her eyes.
"Are you sure about this honey?" Sophia gently gripped her daughters arm and held her back in the foyer for a moment. "You don't seem...well I'm just not sure this...well he really...is what you truly want."
Her mother had always been so perceptive. "He loves me Mum. He's good to me. He treats me like a princess. What more could I ask for?"
"I love Rick honey. I know he is good to you. He is every mother's dream for their daughter...stable, hard working, kind, loving and absolutely gorgeous on top of all that. But still...I am just not sure he is good for you. I just don't think that you ever got over..."
"Don't Mum... please!" Alex begged, "Not today. Please not today...I can't think about that."
"Listen to me sweetie" Alex made to interrupt but Sophie stopped her, "No, honey... listen...please!" she begged. "I should have told you about this a long time ago but...well I just didn't know how to explain it without you taking it the wrong way. I'm not sure I can now."
"What Mum?" Alex asked softy.
"I once had a 'Jon' in my life too." As was usual Alex flinched as her mother said the name. "We were young and wildly in love but just like with you and Jon there were...obstacles...and just like you're doing now I made the sensible choice...the safe choice. But honey I'm not sure that's the right choice for you. Don't get me wrong sweetie...I have had a good life with your father and I have you...I could never regret that but honey...there has always been something missing, that special spark that makes things exciting and fun – the spark I see in your eyes when you see a picture of him or when you hear his voice on the radio, even through the pain it causes, that spark is still there. Now I can't believe I am going to say this – it's such an irrational thing for a mother to say – but I would rather you be Jon's mistress and be happy than be Rick's wife and be miserable for the rest of your life."
"Mum, are you miserable?"
"No, of course not Ali, that didn't come out right. I could never be miserable as your mum, and I honestly love your father so much... It's just once you know what that kind of love and passion feels like, nothing else ever really measures up. And I know you, Ali…I know that you'll never truly be satisfied. You'll always wonder what if…
"It will be fine mum." Alex took her mother in a deep embrace. "I will be fine."
"You may think now that you can make it work, and knowing you I am sure you are probably right but sweetheart, do you really want to go through life with a love that's less than perfect?"
"Is there such a thing as a perfect love mum? Jon isn't an option for me...he never has been. He has a wife, and now he has a child and he has made it perfectly clear to me that I am not worth risking either for. I would never want him to... even if he did love me enough. He belongs with his family, free from the risks an affair with me would entail. So that being said, is it wrong of me to try to grasp the little happiness Rick can offer me?"
"No honey, of course not... not if you think it's enough." Sophia said sadly.
"It has to be."
Silence fell for a long moment, and Jon who was standing hidden in the shadows of the stairwell to the gallery imagined that Sophia had taken Alex in her arms to comfort her.
When Sophia spoke again her voice was tinged with concern "Alex honey, what will you do if he shows up? I know Rick invited him, I saw the name when I posted the invites out."
"He won't!" Alex said confidently. "It's over. We've said our goodbyes. It was never even a possibility for us." Sophia did not know about her 'encounter' with Jon a few days before, though it seemed in light of this new information, it wouldn't have shocked her if she did. No one knew...not even Lanie...Alex was far too embarrassed to share that story with anyone – the weakness it showed. "We better get out there. I want to get back in before Rick gets here. It's bad luck if he sees me in my dress before the ceremony."
Sophia followed her daughter out of the door to the yard and closed it behind her.
When the foyer was clear, Jon emerged...he had heard it all. He wondered how – after everything he had said to Alex – that she still thought so little of his feelings for her. With the exception of his child she was the most important thing in the world to him... how could she not see that? He thought he had made it clear. He moved quickly into the bride's room and placed the CD on the center of the bench in plain sight for her to see, then went back to his hiding place in the stairwell. He had never intended to stay but he was trapped now until everyone was inside...he had cut the timing too fine. He had procrastinated about dropping off the CD all morning and it had made him late. He had only just managed to sneak into the church without being found out and was trying to figure out how to get the CD to her without being seen when her mother came to collect her for the photo's. Perfect! He had thought.
The door opened again a few minutes later and he could hear the crystal sound of Lanie's laughter echo in from outside as she headed for the door. He waited out of sight until he heard the door close again. He could hear a muffled conversation nearby, but it sounded as though the foyer was empty. He craned his neck around the corner...he was right....the foyer was clear. Across the small space the door to the bride's room stood ajar. He could see Lanie – stunning in a gold satin sheath – and then she moved aside and he caught his first glimpse of an angel.
She looked up into his glassy eyes. "I love you Daddy."
"I hope so." NO!! Her mind screamed.
"Alex are you ok?" He whispered, "You look ill."
"Shall we continue?" The minister asked.
"Do you Alex take Rick to be your husband.......?" The minister continued but Alex tuned him out.
4 comments:
Oh Venus-you leave us wondering-will she follow her heart and follow Jon? Fantastic chapter!
Bonnie
I understand about real life issues but this was a tease! :) Love you story, I hope you can post again soon.
Oh Venus-Venus, please...you did not just leave me hanging there...
LInda
Normally I would never say this, I mean it's so wrong, but say NO, Alex! I can't believe I want her to say no, but I so do! lol
I totally understand about RL issues, but can't wait for more nonetheless.
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