Chapter 45

Alex went through the motions of the reception mechanically. She sat beside her new husband as they were toasted. She kissed him as glasses tingled. She cut the cake and laughed as he smeared a piece of it into her mouth. She danced the waltz with him and then her father, with tears in her eyes. It had been a very long day but she finally had a few minutes to herself.

A sharp rap on the door startled Alex back to the present. "Are you ok honey? Are you ready yet?" Rick's voice came from the other side.

"I'm fine Rick. I just need a few minutes." Alex sat exhausted and alone in her hotel room, while the reception continued in the function room downstairs. She had come up here to get changed out of her wedding gown in preparation of leaving. Rick had done the same...his room was a short walk up the hall. "I'll meet you down stairs sweetie," she called through the closed door, "I want the dress to be a surprise," she added. It seemed like a feeble excuse for stalling but he seemed to buy it.

"Ok then. I'll see you downstairs Mrs Carlisle." She winced at the sound of the name, despite his obvious pleasure in using it.

Robotically she rose and began to pull on her going away dress. A simple champagne coloured sheath that emphasised her curves. She had all but torn her wedding gown from her body the moment she had walked in the door, the veil was long gone - it had been the first thing to go as soon as the photos were done. The dress had been strangling her all day, not physically, but emotionally. She no longer had any desire to be associated with what it symbolised.

A clear vision of bright azure eyes agonised with pain burned into her memory and her attention turned to her purse which lay dormant on the dresser. She remembered what it contained but wasn't sure she had the strength to hear whatever he was trying to say. It was of little consequence now anyway. Her decision had been made.

She fussed with her hair, removing the pins that held it in place – they were starting to give her a headache – shaking it out and letting its fullness cascade down her back. She inspected her appearance in the mirror and touched up her makeup, there were more photos to be taken. Again her attention was drawn to her inoffensive purse, she glared at it...it seemed to beckon to her.

Finally morbid curiosity outweighed her self control and she snatched the CD from its concealment. With a shaking hand she tentatively placed it in the player. Her finger hovered over the play button for what seemed an eternity and then moved over to the eject button. She was just about to exert the pressure required to remove the CD when, almost involuntarily, her hand darted back towards the play button and pressed it firmly in one fluid movement.

Alex hadn't known what to expect, but being that he was a songwriter she had assumed he would express himself in song...she wasn't disappointed. It started acoustic...a single guitar. A tear formed in her eye the moment she heard his voice...it was as if he was speaking to her rather than singing.

Today you'll pick up all the pieces

And get on with your life

All I can hope is that you're happy

'Cause today you're someone else's wife

The accompanying instruments started up then and she wondered absently if he had done this all himself - she knew he was capable - or if he had called in the band to help him.

Right now I wish that I could turn back

And beg the hands of time

For the days that I remember (oh baby)

The days when you were mine

And if I never said I love you

It's cause the words got in the way

Now all I do is say I'm sorry

Sorry I missed your wedding day

I'll bet you looked good at the altar

I'll bet he knew the words to say

And the angels smiled when you walked down the aisle

You both knelt down to pray

As he put his ring on your finger

I know there's just one thing left to say

All I can do is say I'm sorry

Sorry I missed your wedding day

So Sorry

A guitar solo told her that he had the help of at least one other. It was really no surprise to her that Richie would have a hand in this. Jon's voice became more forceful now, the pain was evident...palpable as he continued to sing.

You won't be walking through the door anymore

You won't be sleeping in this bed anymore

Though I swear I see your shadow waltz across my floor

And I don't know if I can take it

Should we ever meet again

Cause I know that we'll be strangers

When he introduces friends

I tried to make it to the church now baby

A broken heart got in the way

All I can do is tell you I'm sorry

Sorry I missed your wedding day

I really hope you're happy baby

Though it's killing me to say

All I can do is say I'm sorry

Sorry I missed you're wedding day

Sorry I missed you're wedding

I'm sorry I missed you're wedding day

I'm sorry I missed you're wedding day

I'm sorry I missed you're wedding day...

Alex sat paralysed by pain. Fresh tears coursed down her cheeks. She wrapped her arms around her body in an attempt pull herself together, and rocked gently in her seat. Her head started to spin, she felt nauseous. She leant forward and braced her head between her knees. She had barely moved from this position when her mother came to find her half an hour later.

Sophia had had noticed her daughters absence from the ballroom and immediately sensed a problem. She rode the elevator to Alex's room alone and used her keycard to slip quietly inside. What she found disturbed her deeply.

Her daughter sat alone in a form of catatonia, staring at her own image in the mirror but clearly not seeing. Music she had never heard before – but from an all too familiar artist - filled the room. On listening to the lyrics she quickly determined that it was the source of the problem. She pressed the stop button and an oppressing silence filled the room. It took a few moments but eventually Alex realized the music had ceased and turned her attention towards the player.

"Mum...I didn't hear you come in. I was just... I was getting changed. I...," her thoughts were scattered.

"Alex honey..." Sophia said gently, "Rick is waiting for you downstairs. If you don't go down now he's going to know something is wrong. I've stalled him as long as I can, sweetheart. I'm sure this isn't how you want to start married life."

The word married sparked a wave of panic in Alex. "Oh Mum...," she wailed, "What have I done?"

"Look at me Alex," Sophia tilted her daughters face up until their eyes met, "now is not the time for self pity. That time is long past. You have had plenty of opportunities to back out of this but you chose to see it through. This is not the time to surrender that conviction honey. Your husband is waiting downstairs for you to join him and say good night to your guests. He's a good man Alex. I know he's not Jon," she watched her daughter wince at the mere mention of his name, "but he has done right by you. I know what I said at the church, but what is done is done. Now it's time for you to step up and live your choice."

"He was there Mum."

"Who? Jon?"

Alex nodded, "I saw him leave when I was saying my vows...and again on the street as we were leaving." Her brow creased, "He looked so sad Mum... I've...I've never seen him sad...not like that. And that song..."

"Now is not the time to be thinking of him Alex. This is your wedding night. It belongs to you and Rick. Now you need to pull yourself together and get on with it. What happens afterwards happens, but honey...you can't walk away from him now...not tonight. You can't do that to him. He doesn't deserve it." Sophia said sternly.

"I know...I know." Alex replied resigned. She let out a deep sigh and rose from her seat before the mirror, pausing to take a look at her reflection. "Do you think you can do something with this?" She pointed to her own face, and attempted a smile for her mother, that wasn't quite convincing enough.

"Of course we can...but it's hard to improve on perfection."

When Alex reappeared downstairs there wasn't a person in the room her doubted her performance as the ecstatic bride. She threw her bouquet and posed for a photo with Lanie who had caught it. And she blushed as Rick dived beneath her dress to strip the garter from her thigh and toss it to the wrestling bachelors. She left the reception wrapped in her husband's arms, and when they were finally alone, had made love to him dutifully, even enthusiastically - all the while wishing he was Jon.

It was now several hours after she had seen him sneak out of the church...since she had sat and listened to him pouring his heart out in song on that damned CD. Here rocking back and forth on the floor of the shower in the Honeymoon Suite of the Waldorf Astoria, curled into a tight ball with her arms wrapped around legs that were pulled tightly up to her chest, Alex finally let go. Her husband lay sleeping in their consummate bed just meters away, the gentle rhythm of his snoring, the only noise to infiltrate her peace.

The tears began, slowly at first but soon they had developed into coursing streams, disguised only by the stream of hot water that cascaded over her body. They were tears of mourning for the life that was forever lost to her. For the pain she endured and the pain she had caused...would no doubt cause again. So much pain...to so many. Too many. She looked inside herself and did not like what she found there. She barely recognised this person she had become. This was not who she wanted to be.

Again she wondered how her life had come to this. She sat like that for a long time before admitting to herself what must be done. She would go on her honeymoon, she would smile and be happy and be the dutiful wife and once they got home she would talk to Rick about her reservations and suggest a separation with a view to divorce. She didn't see how she could live the lie any longer than that.

It was with that steely resolve that Alex climbed out of the shower, dried herself in one of the plush white hotel towels and padded back into the bedroom to climb into bed with her soon to be ex-husband. She would make the next few weeks the best of his life... and then she would release him from this fallacy of a marriage.

As for Jon, well she was under no illusion as to the outcome of that situation either. She understood now the impossibility of his circumstances, unfortunately though, that did not change them. He would forever be what she wanted, but could never be what she needed. He could never be hers.