Chapter 49

"I can't believe you did this Dorothea. We discussed it. We agreed we weren't ready." Jon's tone was now resigned. He'd passed anger hours ago.

"I didn't do this alone you know. It takes two to make a baby Jon." She said hurt. "Besides it's not like I planned it. I told you to use something. You were in such a God damn rush that night. I didn't know what had come over you."

Jon remembered back a few weeks. He knew exactly the night this child had been conceived, they hadn't made love for weeks before or since. It was the day he'd run into Alex. He went home looking for...he didn't know what. Comfort...hardly. But Dot had been there... as she always was. He couldn't call what they had done that night making love. It was raw animalistic sex. There were no tender touches, no gentle caresses. It was primal...he had taken her, pounding into her for all he was worth, inconsiderate of her feelings. At that moment they were inconsequential. She was merely the means to the release he needed, the release he had sought in Annie that first night...the release he hadn't found. He had fought to keep Alex's name slipping from his lips as he spilled his seed deep within her. Now he was paying the price.

"I can't talk about this anymore. I have to get out of here," Jon snapped as he paced the floor. He felt like a caged lion, backed into a corner and vicious. If he didn't leave now he would surely say something he would regret.

"Where are you going?" her voice was soft, reconciled.

"I don't know...Mom's...maybe the city." He said as he grabbed a bag from the closet and began to throw in some clothes."

"Please Jon...don't go..we can work through this," she was pleading now.

Jon paused what he was doing, but he couldn't bring himself to look at her. "Everything will be fine Dot. I just have some shit to work through and I can't do it here. I'll be back in a few days...I just need some time to think."

"Fine go...but Jon...when you come back...make sure you know what it is you want 'cause I can't keep living like this."

"I know Dotty...I know. And I'm sorry...I don't know what else I can say. I'll see you in a few. I have my cell if something urgent comes up."

Dot understood his meaning precisely...don't call if it's not life threatening.

"G'bye hon." He kissed her on the forehead and disappeared from the room.

Jon threw his bag into the trunk of his Camaro and pulled out of the drive way, still unsure of where he was heading. He was only a couple of blocks when he pulled the car to a stop on the side of the road and pulled out his wallet and his cell. He slid Annie's card out from one of the dividers and cursed as another fell to the floor. He dialled in her new number and waited... no answer. Eyes closed, he collapsed forward resting his head on the back of his hands that were now gripping the top of the steering wheel.

When his eyes flickered open a minute or so later a flash of white on the floor caught his attention. He reached down and picked up the small rectangular card, his eyes immediately focusing on the name. Without thinking twice he dialled the number.

"'lo," her voice was thick with sleep. He looked at the clock on the dash...FUCK it was almost midnight. "Hello..." she said again.

"Alex," he croaked, "sorry...I shouldn't have called. I didn't realise it was so late. Sorry to disturb you. Go back to sleep, baby."

He stomach twisted at the affectionate term. "What's wrong Jon...you sound terrible."

"No..nothing...I'm fine. Really go back to sleep." He fought to keep his voice steady.

"Look Jon..if we are gonna do this friend thing there has to trust and for that there needs to be honesty. Now I know something is wrong...what can I do to help? You wouldn't have called if you didn't think I could."

"To be honest Ali, I didn't think anything...I just dialled."

"What's happened? Is everything ok? The boys, Dot, the baby?" She flinched as she said it.

"Everyone's fine. Dot and I are having some issues...that's all. Not enough for you to lose sleep over. Go back to bed."

"I haven't left it," that conjured an image he really didn't need right now, "Look it will only take me a couple of minutes to throw on some clothes. How about you come meet me for coffee? I'm in the city anyway."

"I uh...I'm not really...It's ah..." he stumbled over his words, "It's not a conversation I could have in public Alex. Just go to bed. Sorry I woke you. I'll talk to you soon."

Her voice was anxious when she spoke. "Jon...Jon...please...don't hang up..." she listened and waited for his response. He didn't speak again but she could hear him breathing.

"Jon... Listen...why don't you come here? I'm staying at The Barclay again, suite 1402." She again waited for an answer but there was no response.

"Jon...are you there."

"I can't do that Ali. It wouldn't be right." His voice was thick with emotion.

"Listen...you wanted to try the friend's thing...well here is our chance. This is what friends do. When should I expect you?"

"An hour I guess..maybe a little less."

"Ok good..knock a little loudly when you get here...in case I fall asleep." She said.

"Ali...are you sure about this? I'm really not great company at the moment." He was giving her the opportunity to back out.

"I'm sure Jon. I made you a promise...I keep my promises. I said if you needed me, I'd be here...and honestly Jon...I don't think you've ever needed me more. I don't know what's going on...but I do know it's big to have you this shaken. So get your ass off the phone and over here now." She insisted.

"I'll see you soon...and Ali"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks...I know this can't be easy for you."

"It's nothing Jon...To quote the song....that's what friends are for. See you soon." She said and hanging up the phone, she laid her head on her pillow, and though she didn't expect to, fell back to sleep within minutes.

It was less than an hour later that a groggy Alex stumbled to the door of her suite, after a loud knock had roused her. Her lips were full and pouty, her eyes slitted under generous curling lashes, her long dark waist length locks sleep tousled, and she wore a pair of pale pink satin boxers, loose and slung low on her hips and a short midriff soft cotton knit sleep T in the same color. She didn't realise what an amazingly erotic picture she posed as she opened the door. She took his breath away.

Through slitted eyes she looked at him, her assessment was blunt, "You look like shit."

"Geez...thanks Alex. I can always count on you for honesty." He grinned, it felt unnatural on his lips...it had been so long since he'd had a reason to smile.

"Yeah well...come in." She motioned him in and lifted both hands to finger comb her hair back from her face. It caused her short top to lift even higher so that it barely covered her full breasts. Jon consciously fought the erection that was now beginning to stir.

He stepped in the door and she closed it behind him. She didn't realise until she heard the thud, that he had been carrying a bag. It now lay on the floor at his feet. She looked at it pointedly.

"It's not what you think. I'm going to check in for a couple of days. I just can't face going home at the moment." He said in explanation.

Alex watched as he rubbed his face with trembling hands. She didn't know if she had ever seen him this upset...and then she remembered that day in her mother's foyer so long ago, as he begged her to stay with him...effectively as his mistress. She didn't know which was worse...then or now but the urge to comfort him was overwhelming.

"C'mere," she pulled him into her arms, gently stroking the hair at the nape of his neck with one hand as the other soothed his back. He was trembling with emotion.

She pulled back from him, "Come and sit down..."

"No Alex, you were sleeping I know how hard you work I can't do this to you. I should just go." He bent to retrieve his bag from the floor.

She put her hand over his and guided the bag back to the floor. "Don't be stupid I can have coffee for us in ten minutes."

"I really don't want coffee. I just need to talk. I need to be near you." She shot a warning look at him and he clarified his statement. "I don't mean that the way it sounds. I just...I need to be close to you Alex...not like... you know.... It's just that when I think of comfort...I think of you. I've never been as happy as I am when I'm with you." He fell into her, and she wrapped her arms around him.

She waited a few moments before drawing back from him, she took his face in her hands and traced the dark shadows under his eyes with the pads of her thumbs. "Have you slept?"

He shook his head, "I haven't been able to."

She took his hand and led him to the bedroom, "Here...you sleep in here...I'll take the couch. We can talk in the morning."

"I can't kick you out of your bed," he protested.

"Look at you your dead on your feet." She knelt down and helped him off with his shoes. All the while trying to remind herself that she would do this for any friend. This was no different. She swung his feet up and he collapsed against the pillows.

"Can I get you anything...a glass of water?"

"Mmmm that would be nice." His eyes had already drifted closed. It had been months since he had felt this sense of peace.

When Alex came back in a few moments later, Jon's breathing was deep and even. She set the glass of water down on the nightstand and slipped under the covers on the other side of the bed. He was laying on his side now. What could it hurt if she held him for a while, while he slept. She moved in close and spooned his sleeping form, propping her head on one folded arm and wrapping the other around his waist. She would be gone before he woke...he would never know any different.

Jon let out a soft sigh as she wrapped herself around him. The noise was lost to her in the rustle of the sheets as she settled. Her body was warm and soft against his. He felt her gentle kiss on the nape of his neck...but he was too far into sleep to realise that she shouldn't even be there. In that moment, all was right with the world...he was right where he should be...in Alex's arms.

Chapter 48

Alex sat alone in a darkened corner of the Barclay Bar & Grill, in the Intercontinental Hotel in New York City. She had seen the doctor earlier that day and the visit had done nothing to ease her mind. She was required for further tests the following morning, so instead of commuting home she had decided to book a suite in the hotel for the night. She had spent the afternoon on some retail therapy – she needed fresh clothes and toiletries anyway – and had put a rather substantial dent in her credit card.

When she was finally all shopped out she had returned to her room in the hotel for dinner, but was in there no more than five minutes before she began to feel the walls closing in on her. Instead she had opted to come here. The bar was quiet and dark. She had been able to sit alone in her little corner with her lemon, lime and soda, do some light reading and watch the people go by.

She had pretty much given up on the people watching, those in the bar had settled in for the night and there were now few entrances and exits. She was rather engrossed in her book when a familiar voice had her head snap up.

"Jack on the rocks thanks bud," she heard him say as he pulled a money clip from his pocket and threw some notes on the bar.

"Just visiting Sir?" the bartender asked making small talk.

"Not really...more travelling through. I live out in Jersey. Have some business to attend to and a flight out tomorrow night, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to catch up with a friend."

How could he possibly know I was here? Alex wondered. Surely he isn't having me followed?

She was just about to get up and confront him when she saw the woman enter the bar. She was making a beeline straight for him, obviously a fan. Alex hung back. But then he looked up and smiled at her, and it wasn't the fake smile he used for cameras and fans alike. This was genuine, warm...he was happy to see her. He rose from his stool as she approached and he drew her into the circle of his arms and kissed, his lips lingering on her just a little longer than propriety allowed. He released her but kept a hold of her hand.

Alex could no longer hear the conversation, the couple spoke in muted whispers. This he obviously wanted to keep private. She observed the woman more closely now. Jon's friend's resemblance to herself was uncanny...kind of like a photocopy. She looked very similar, only not quite as good. She wasn't as polished...but then Alex had had the better part of the last five years around stylists, and had benefited from it. And maybe she was just a little biased. She watched the interaction between the pair. They were obviously very familiar with each other – he still hadn't released her hand and was now drawing circles on the back of it with his thumb.

The woman must have said something amusing, Jon's throaty chuckle carried to Alex and her gut clenched. She recognised this strange emotion she felt now, this possessive anger she was feeling. She was jealous. After the information she had received from the doctor that afternoon, this new revelation was almost enough to send her over the edge.

Gathering up her book and her keycard from the table, Alex waited for Jon to be distracted by his date and made a hasty exit from the bar. As she breezed out of the room, a wave of her signature scent of green apple wafted out behind her. Just as she disappeared around the corner it registered in Jon's senses.

***

"Can you smell that?" He took a long sniff.

"What?" Annie asked.

"Apples...I can smell... apples." He sniffed at the air again and looked around the bar...nothing.

"All I can smell is cigarette smoke," she replied, "are you ok Jon?"

"Yeah...I'm fine," he said on a sigh. "It was her scent. I guess I'm imagining things." Jon rapidly changed the subject. "I'm glad you could make it in. We have to celebrate this promotion of yours. I can't say I'm happy that you're going away though."

He couldn't talk about her anymore. It hurt too much. Bruce had called him to let him know they had arrived safe from the honeymoon. He had waited. Every day he had waited for the day she would come looking for him...tell him she had made a mistake, confirm the look of regret he saw in her eyes as she drove past him in the limousine. But she didn't come...didn't call. Then he had run into Bruce at a function, and he had told him that he had never seen Alex so happy... that he and Patti had been invited to dinner at the newlyweds' new home in Red Bank, and they were both happy and settled. He wondered why Bruce continued to convey this information. Did he suspect? Was he warning him off? Or, was it merely because he saw Jon as being a long standing friend to Alex, just as he was?

Jon only caught the tail end of Annie's response.

".....and I'll be back soon anyway. You won't even know that I'm gone." Annie smiled at him. She knew it was a mistake, but she couldn't help but fall for him just a little bit.

A few days after their initial run in, Jon had called her at work and asked if he could see her again. He wanted to take up her offer of counselling. He said he had tried to go the official route and see a counsellor, but he wasn't in there more than five minutes before he knew it wasn't for him. Annie already knew his biggest secret. If she wanted to finish him, she already had more than enough to do it. Since then, they had met frequently and now spoke on a daily basis.

He didn't have to pretend with Annie, with the exception of Richie, he really couldn't say that of anyone else. "Would it sound weird if I said I'm gonna miss you."

"No," she smiled at him again and reached out to lay a palm on his cheek, "I'm going to miss you too. It's a little strange how close I feel to you considering I've only known you a few weeks. But I'll only be gone a couple of months. As soon as the course is done, I'll be back. And you can always call me if you need me, or fly in if you're desperate...it's less than an hour's flight to Boston, and you do have that fancy jet at your disposal."

Jon chuckled, "That I do. C'mon lets go eat so we can get you to your flight on time."

"Sounds good," Annie leaned in and kissed him lightly on the lips, "Thanks for this."

"Anything for you," he rose from the stool, grabbed Annie's hand and led her from the bar.

***

It had been a bad day for Jon. He was startled awake by a phone call from Dorothea. He had been dreaming of Alex. She was wrapped in his arms, smiling and carefree, her left hand, brandishing his ring was tracing lazy circles down his stomach to his burgeoning erection. He snapped at Dot for waking him. He had been happy in his dream world; Alex was his...there were no obstacles...just her and him, together and deliriously happy.

He was late to his meeting - well audition really, he was trying for a part in a movie...he had caught the acting bug - it would have been quicker if he'd gotten out of the car and walked, he despised being late. He went to dial Annie's number at least half a dozen times that morning, but finally settled for Richie, only to be told he couldn't talk because he was otherwise occupied with his Fiancé, and could he please delay his trip out a few days, Heather wanted to take him away for the weekend. Great...just great!

That's how it was that he had found himself alone in his hotel room at six that evening after his audition finally concluded. He didn't hold much hope out of getting the part. But he had to start somewhere. Now he was at a loss. He had no flight to catch and he couldn't bear the thought of heading home....that...he would do tomorrow. He paced the room several times before deciding he needed a drink. He headed for the bar.

Jon came to the entrance of the bar and stopped dead in his tracks. It was her. She was sitting there alone, nursing a drink and looking forlorn. He made to take a step forward but at that exact moment she lifted her drink to her lips and her wedding rings caught the light and shimmered, effectively reminding him that she could no longer be his. His dream had been just that...a dream...and now it could never come true. He stood and watched her for a few seconds longer, drinking in the sight of her – who knew when he would see her again – then turned and left the bar. It seemed a run was in order instead of that drink – it was what he did when he needed to sort through things, he always found clarity in running - so he headed back to his room to change.

Alex's eyes were red rimmed as she toyed with her drink at the bar. The bar tender had taken one look at her and left her to her thoughts, she was grateful for it. Last night she had seen him....with her replacement no less and today...well today her worst fears had been confirmed. Now she sat here struggling with the panic that consumed her at the thought of disclosing those findings to her new husband. What would he think of her after this? How could he possibly want her?

Movement off to her left caught in Alex's peripheral vision. She didn't know what compelled her to look up, but she did so just in time to see him leave the bar. Her heart started to pound, her vision blurred. She had to get out of here before he saw her.... Or had he seen her already? No he couldn't have she decided...unless....unless he had seen her but he didn't want her to see him. She felt bile rise in her throat at the thought. Had she really caused him so much pain that he couldn't even bear to look at her? Or was it just that now that he had his replacement she no longer even mattered. What would that mean for her? What could it mean? She has made her choice. She waited for a few minutes to give him time to clear the lobby, downed her drink and headed for the safety of her room. She would leave first thing in the morning. She would not inflict her presence on him again.

Stepping out on her floor, Alex ran headlong into the very thing she was trying to avoid. She lurched backwards the second she saw him. He was dressed in his jogging clothes, short shorts, a tank top and runners. How was it possible to look good in that? He managed. He looked fucking fantastic, she wasn't too distraught to recognise that. The spattering of chest hair that poked out from the top of his tank, the lean muscled legs, the tense sinewy arms and the lock of blonde hair that fell to cover one of those bright azure eyes.

"Fuck," she muttered under her breath. Tears were already streaming down her face. She couldn't deal with this as well. "Excuse me," she said her voice quivering, as she skirted around him, doing her best to avoid showing him her face.

"Alex wait...please," Jon called after her. The desperation in his voice had her step faltering but she continued on. In four long strides he was at her side. "Ali...c'mon... what you can't even say hello anymore?"

"Hello Jon," she said formerly, flicking him the merest of glances, "now if you'll excuse me...I have to go."

She took a step towards her room but his hand on her arm stoped her. It was as if she had been burned, the touch of his flesh on hers. Memories assaulted her and she flinched away from him. Then felt guilty as she watched his expression crumble...but this wasn't about him...not really. "Please don't. Can we talk? I miss you."

Alex smiled softly, and shook her head, "Jon, how can you miss what you never had?"

"What do you mean?" his expression clearly puzzled.

"The longest you have ever been with me is a week Jon. Just one week...how could you possibly miss me?"

"Are you saying you don't miss me?" He asked.

"No...I'm not saying that," Alex stood before him picking at chipped finger nail and concentrating on her hand studiously. "But that's different. You're in the papers, in the radio, on the TV. Everywhere I go, everywhere I look...you're there. I've never had the chance to not miss you."

"Is that what you want now? To miss me?"

"Perhaps." She watched him flinch, "Listen Jon...I love you. I will always love you. But I'm with Rick now. It took me a long time to realise this, but you're not good for me Jon...We aren't good for each other. You make me selfish. You make want things I can't have. You're married, you've started a fam...." her voice broke on the word and he looked at her quizzically, he had caught it. "...a family. What's between us Jon,...it feels really, really deep...like I can't live without you sometimes...hell, like I won't make it through the night without your touch. But you have your life and I have mine, and it's not fair on anyone for us to continue this. So please let me go."

"I can't let you walk out of my life Alex. There has to be to make this work. Anything...anyway as long as you're still in my life." He pleaded.

"Listen...if you ever need me...really need me Jon, not just because you're feeling lonely...I'll be there for you. I always will be. But this needs to be a new start. I don't want you to be my obsession anymore...I want you to be my friend. It will take time, but I think we can manage it. You know it's one thing we've never been. Do you think we can try?" It was the only future she could see for them.

"Is that the best you think we can manage?"

"It is Jon...I just can't do this with you anymore." She said firmly.

"Ok. Will you have lunch with me? Just lunch. Bring Rick if you like. Let's give this friends thing a try."

"Ricks out of town and I think it's a little too soon to be tempting fate with an outing in public."

"Sure it's not you that would be tempted and not fate," he grinned playfully. "I'm pretty irresistible."

"Jon," she reproached, "you flirting is not helping."

"Sorry, I just wanted to see you smile. I hate the tears. What caused them?" He wiped her cheek with the pad of his thumb and again felt her shy away from his touch. This was it...they were really through.

"Just the shock of seeing you I guess." Alex wiped the remainder of the tears from her cheeks.

"You were crying before you even got out of the elevator. Friends remember...you can talk to me." He offered her a small uncertain smile.

Not about this she thought...never about this. "I...um...I saw you downstairs...when you left the bar."

"Oh...I'm sorry Alex. I didn't do that to upset you. I didn't think you'd seen me. I was trying to do the right thing. I understand you've made your choice in Rick...I respect that."

"Thank you. Now I'm sorry but I really do have to go. I'm heading home in the morning. I have a full day ahead of me." Alex rummaged through her purse for her keycard.

"Where's home these days? You still at Bruces?"

"Uh ha," she exclaimed, as she triumphantly pulled the little piece of plastic from her bag. "No...Rick bought us a house. We're not too far from him though. Look, sorry Jon... but this..." she motioned back and forth between them, " well, it's still a little weird. Can we pick the small talk up some other time? When we've both had a chance get used to the idea."

"Sure... sorry. The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable."

"Here take this. She fished a business card out of her purse. It has all my numbers on it. Call me anytime...umm... maybe just give me a few weeks to wrap my head around everything." She leaned up gave him a very brief kiss on the cheek and trotted off down the hallway before she could do something she might regret. She was already beginning to think the offer of friendship was a mistake. How could she be friends with the man when the entire time she was with him, she had to make a conscious effort to keep her hands of him. It was like she was the moth and he was the flame...irresistible, but dangerous. Was it inevitable that she end up burned?